Touchy-Feely Feelings

"Let us rise up and be thankful,
for if we didn't learn a lot today,
at least we learned a little,
and if we didn't learn a little,
at least we didn't get sick,
and if we got sick,
at least we didn't die.
So, let us all be thankful."

I feel like I'm finally emerging from the darkness of the past few weeks.

I haven't fully explained everything on here, and I don't really want to go over the details yet again.

The short version: Every nightmare I've ever had since I started skydiving all happened during the same accident. A friend died. My boyfriend, Jason, was seriously injured. The whole world changed in just a couple seconds -- just long enough for a mid-air collision.

The emotions have often been almost too overwhelming to feel. I'm so very happy that a first-time jump student came out of the accident unscathed. I'm so happy my boyfriend is alive. I'm glad my friend was able to leave this world doing what he loved best. I'm happy I have so many friends to see me through this difficult time.

But I'm also sorrowful and grieving and furious and fearful and all sorts of other things, all at the same time.

Overall, there's this depression that comes and goes -- but mostly comes. Remember that part in Reality Bites where Wynona Ryder crashes on the couch for about two weeks and racks up a ginormous phone bill while talking to the Psychic Hotline? I want that to be me. I want so much to writhe around in my own self-pity -- just listen to the Smiths and cry for a long time about everything and nothing and then stare up at the ceiling for a good day or two.

Slowly, I think my head is getting back together. At least I'm not getting quite so mad at happy people anymore. For a while there if I saw anybody laughing, I had to stop myself from punching them in the throat.

I just have to keep reminding myself how fortunate I am for what I didn't lose.

Jason is making an incredible recovery. Just two weeks ago, he was in very serious condition in the intensive care unit. Tonight he was sitting up in bed, eating a special T-bone dinner that a friend brought to the hospital.

Amazingly, he's going to be discharged tomorrow. And he'll be leaving the hospital in a wheelchair, which will be a whole new experience. I imagine it will bring a lot of burden and joy and adventure and frustration to our lives. At the very least, we'll finally get the good parking spots.

It's just so crazy how everything can change so fast and so dramatically. A few weeks ago, I would have thought it was the worst thing in the world to have a boyfriend in a wheelchair. Now, my heart spills open every time he rolls down the hallway in the hospital.

Gladness. Sadness. In my life, the two are now married.

And now I'm going to bed. I'm too tired to make sense.

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