The New Sensation
The most notable jump of last weekend was with my buddy Carly.
I call her Beef Curtain. She calls me Ax Wound. We're great friends, and we get into all kinds of trouble.
Together we have invented a style of skydiving called Skyhumping (patent pending), which is sure to be the new sensation.
Here's how to do it:
1. Lock knees together.
2. Grip each other's shoulders tightly.
3. Roll out the door of the plane.
4. Jackhammer away.
It's really quite a sight. The thrusting action causes our bodies to roll wildly through the sky, like wooden barrels over Niagra Falls.
We've started initiating other people into the Skyhumper club by jumping with them and awarding them with Skyhumper numbers. Soon, I'm convinced, we will have thousands of members. But so far we're only up to number four, because we haven't been that motivated.
On Sunday, our friend Mary became our fourth member. And that meant -- you guessed it -- three-way, girl-on-girl-on-girl Skyhumping.*
I wish I knew how to post video on here, because really, no words can do justice.
It was a mess. Crazy gyrations. Body parts all over the sky. Rolling, bumping, grinding.
I'm pretty sure that for the people watching from the ground, the mass humpage might have even eclipsed the sun.
After the Skyhumping stack broke apart, all three of us did a little freestyle skydiving. Freestyle is a really difficult discipline of skydiving, where you point your toes and stretch out and contort your body into all kinds of shapes that weren't meant to happen at 150 mph, all while wearing tight lycra suits and Keds.
Even though it's terribly hard to do, freestyle is kind of like synchronized swimming -- considered to be the homosexual kind of skydiving.
I'm not good at freestyle. Any time I move one leg out and one back to attempt the splits, the wind knocks me on my back and sends me spinning all over the place. However, I AM very good at standing straight up and moving my feet really fast, so it looks like I'm doing the "Maniac" dance from Flashdance during freefall. So that's what I did for the remainder of our jump.
I just need some legwarmers, and I'll be set.
* FYI: Skyhumping is performed fully clothed.
I call her Beef Curtain. She calls me Ax Wound. We're great friends, and we get into all kinds of trouble.
Together we have invented a style of skydiving called Skyhumping (patent pending), which is sure to be the new sensation.
Here's how to do it:
1. Lock knees together.
2. Grip each other's shoulders tightly.
3. Roll out the door of the plane.
4. Jackhammer away.
It's really quite a sight. The thrusting action causes our bodies to roll wildly through the sky, like wooden barrels over Niagra Falls.
We've started initiating other people into the Skyhumper club by jumping with them and awarding them with Skyhumper numbers. Soon, I'm convinced, we will have thousands of members. But so far we're only up to number four, because we haven't been that motivated.
On Sunday, our friend Mary became our fourth member. And that meant -- you guessed it -- three-way, girl-on-girl-on-girl Skyhumping.*
I wish I knew how to post video on here, because really, no words can do justice.
It was a mess. Crazy gyrations. Body parts all over the sky. Rolling, bumping, grinding.
I'm pretty sure that for the people watching from the ground, the mass humpage might have even eclipsed the sun.
After the Skyhumping stack broke apart, all three of us did a little freestyle skydiving. Freestyle is a really difficult discipline of skydiving, where you point your toes and stretch out and contort your body into all kinds of shapes that weren't meant to happen at 150 mph, all while wearing tight lycra suits and Keds.
Even though it's terribly hard to do, freestyle is kind of like synchronized swimming -- considered to be the homosexual kind of skydiving.
I'm not good at freestyle. Any time I move one leg out and one back to attempt the splits, the wind knocks me on my back and sends me spinning all over the place. However, I AM very good at standing straight up and moving my feet really fast, so it looks like I'm doing the "Maniac" dance from Flashdance during freefall. So that's what I did for the remainder of our jump.
I just need some legwarmers, and I'll be set.
* FYI: Skyhumping is performed fully clothed.
This entry was posted on
Wednesday, June 29, 2005 at 9:00 AM.
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By
Eileen, at
7:42 PM
So the next time I'm driving through Indiana and I see a mass of writhing bodies falling from the sky, I'll be able to rest assured that it was only a skyhump. Whew!
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