A Visit From St. Nick: Vegas Style



'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the casino
Every creature was stirring, even those playing keno;
The stockings were pulled up to thigh-high,
In hopes that Santa, Baby, Santa! soon would be by;
The children all clutched their fake IDs,
Visions of sugar-plums they hoped to see;
Mama in her mini, and the guys in their suits,
Had just hit the slots looking for loot;
When at the Bellagio fountain arose such a clatter,
I jumped from the craps table to see was the matter.
Away to the door I flew like a flash,
Only I couldn’t find it because I had been drinking – and casinos tend to be really sneaky about those exits anyway.
About ten minutes later I wandered outside
And saw nothing but a 16-year-old bride.
Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But all my friends with a bucket of beer.
"Now, Miller! Now, Coors! Now, Bud and Red Tail!
On, Guinness! On Molson! On, lager and ale!
To the bottom of the bottle! To the top of that wall!
Now drink away! Drink away! Drink away all!"
Later inside the bar, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing just like a hoof.
I told the bartender there's a reindeer up there,
Just about the time I fell out of my chair.
I tried to explain about Prancer and Vixen,
But the bouncer accused me of being too blitzen.
I was tossed outside with a new group of chums,
A lady of the night and a big group of bums.
One man immediately had me on alert --
His clothes were all soiled with ashes and dirt.
A beard, big and white, covered his face like snow,
And he looked as giddy as Kate Moss on blow.
His eyes -- oh, they twinkled! His dimples, how nice!
His ears dripped with bling, his neck covered in ice.
His teeth held the stump from a Swisher Sweet,
And his feet tapped out a fun, jazzy beat.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
But to get a whiff of him was quite smelly.
He was chubby and plump, a rear like J. Lo,
And he didn't say much other than "Ho, ho, ho."
A wink of his eye and a smile on his face,
Made me reach into my purse to feel for my mace.
He shook his head no and said I have nothing to fear,
He was only in town to pass out Christmas cheer.
Suddenly people were winning all over town,
Every dealer began wearing a frown;
As the slot machines began to gush,
Every hand at the poker table was a royal flush.
The man leaned over and said, "Don't you see?
"As Santa, I want everyone to be as lucky as me!"
Turns out Saint Nick was far from lame,
To my surprise, he had lots of game.
Then I heard him exclaim, as the valet brought his sleigh over,
"Drink some water tonight, so you won't be hungover."

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