Carols unsung, bells unrung. Ten things I should have said this year, but didn't.

1. I've known cows sexier than you.

2. You know the kind of crazy that lures children into the woods and uses bear traps to catch them for dinner? The kind of crazy that collects hairballs and toenail clippings and tiny cups of urine and stashes them away in brown boxes in the back of a closet? And the kind of crazy that keeps all this very quiet, very secret, and very bottled up inside? That's YOU.

3. For the last time, it's mannerism. Not man-yer-ism. It doesn't rhyme with aneurysm.

4. You know how I don't spend time with you anymore? It's because your husband asked me to sleep with him.

5. You're seriously the most neurotic person I know, and being friends with you is a lot of work. You need to chill out or seek help or get a hobby. Try golf. Or bowling, maybe. Or anything that would distract you from dissecting every single thing everybody says and does. You obsess over the things other people forget.

6. Learn how to lead. None of us have any respect for you.

7. Thanks for the job. I hope I don't let you down, because your confidence in me means so much.

8. I love you, and every day I miss your friendship more. But you chose the very lowest point in my life to say the absolute worst things to me. It was like you stabbed me in the gut when I was already poisoned. And every time I think about that, I get angry all over again. I'm finding it difficult to forgive you, even though I try again each day.

9. Your relationship inspires me and gives me hope for my future.

10. I don't really hate you. I'm sorry I said I did. And I wish you hadn't died before I had a chance to make things right.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 13, 2005 at 11:54 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.