I think I'm done with my Christmas shopping already.

No, really.

Could I ...?

I think so.

And if I remember correctly, I only set foot inside the mall once. Everything else was purchased online and should be squished in the back of someone's mail truck right about now.

The past few years I've developed some sort of phobia of the mall, as though Sears employees had been practicing aversion therapy on me. Maybe they shot my limbs full of electrical currents every time I touched denim outerwear and drill bits.

I get crazy in malls now. I can't stand being so close to so many people who are all so rude and grabby and allupinmygrill. I hate the mall bathrooms and the mall parking and the mall germs, all over the place, everywhere. I hate the people who walk too slow and the people who walk too fast and the people who just randomly, for no reason at all, come to a complete halt right in front of me. GAH!

So this year I decided to do the whole Christmas thing on the Internet. No driving. No waiting. No pushing. No wrapping. No shipping. And no tearing through my closet for a decent box that could possibly accomodate a large robe for my mother.

I did everything the e-easy way.

The biggest plus to online shopping, I've now learned, is that cheap red wine can come with me into every store. (Something I've only tried twice in real life.)

So if any of you get some really excellent gifts this year, don't thank me. Thank my friends Ernest and Julio. (Gallo, that is.)

This entry was posted on Monday, December 12, 2005 at 4:09 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.